My Own Choices Mock Me

You’d think that by now I’d know to take precautions against my ever-changing mind.  You’d think I would know to apply for other schools’ scholarships even if I think I know where I’m going.  You’d think I would know myself well enough to know what I most enjoy doing.  You’d think.

I wonder, in hindsight, if I didn’t just choose a school to get it over with.  College decisions are so, so stressful, and I wanted mine made before the new year.  Which it was.  But now I’m second-guessing.

For a long time I was planning on majoring in music, but I ditched that idea about a year ago.  You have to really adore music — and be good at it — to do that.  I like music, but not enough to make it my whole life.

After I scrapped music I decided I wanted to major  in economics — a strange switch, I know.  At the time I had just begun an AP econ course, which I was really enjoying.  But that, too, grew old.

Then I remembered the results on the spiritual gifts test I took last year — my top gift was administration.  So I thought, why not put that attribute to good use?  I’ll major in basic business or business management.  I’m good at organizing.

That was my most recent thought.  The school I picked has a very good business program, is close to home but not too close, and is very affordable.  I picked it, and I thought, this is it.  I didn’t want to deal with college choices anymore.  So I deleted or recycled mail I got from my other top schools.  Forget applying for scholarships to those schools.  Forget watching out for deadlines.

But like I said, now I’m second-guessing.  I love to write, and am wondering if I shouldn’t major in English or journalism.  I love clothes and sewing, and am wondering if I shouldn’t go to a liberal arts school where I can explore all my interests at once.  I chose a tech school, and am now wondering if that was entirely the wrong choice.  What if I messed up my chances for switching schools if I need to? What if I waste a year at the wrong school?  What if I end up having to stay at home another year?  I don’t think I could stand it.

Why is this so hard?


Options swirling

Futures looming, fighting

My fingers pick one

It mocks me.


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